My heart sunk again. Painful, You know I dont like people to decide what's good or bad for me. I can decide myself. Why everytime, people love to make decision for me. and stupid enough, I followed, I thought. and ended up, everything became ashes, evaporate into the air.
I dont wish either one of you become a no one to me, You're important. When I was watching Ecplise last night, I laughed at it, its just like I'm laughing at myself. How can love be so selfish at times? Why can a heart, break into parts for people you love? Sometime, i hide my feelings well, but why dig it out for me? Why make myself prove and show me that I couldnt really put down and let go of things?
Remembered what you answered me last night, when I asked you, what if you were bella. Who will you actually choose? At first. you told me none of them , You said you would choose another guy.
That's what the mindset I have at that time, I'm troubled, I'm scared. I laughed at how silly this movie resembles my life and thoughts. It's like a joke.
When I can see and feel that you're drifting away from me, when you gets to hang out with your new group friends, Do you think of me? and when you starts to forget who I really am to you, when you got your own things to do and busy with, and that's the time, I could feel that I'm not as important to you as before. That's the time I make the decision because you showed me so. I tried my best to move on as much as I can. I got myself hooked up with activities to keep me busy with . and never think of them, or get jealous about. Because this is your life now, this is what you wanted. This is what you think is the best for yourself and me. I tried not to interfere into your life anymore. I finally tried my best not to do it.
But when I saw your tweets, about "few more days to go" and you told me that you wanted to cherish this few days before I get back to him. I cherished it even more than you do. No doubts. I can feel that we're getting back although we knew that after all these days, the gap will be back again. I still feels how we used to be. How we laughed, joked and giggled, teased at each other.
I do feel everything, even the air we breathe in, it's exactly the same as what we're breathing in the past.
When I say those words out of my mouth, each word I said, its just like having one knife stabbing my heart each time.
It's even worse than dying. I hate the feeling. I seriously hate it.
Saturday, July 3, 2010, 7/03/2010 11:47:00 AM